It's
important to develop an understanding of how distancing works in your
relationship and to acknowledge your part in it.
Sample Chapter 2 — Distancing: The Unspoken
Contract
Working with many, many couples in counseling,
we have found that most report they are not as close as they
used to be, that they are at various degrees of distance.
They report feeling distant and, at the same time, report
wanting to be close. Who creates the distance for couples?
Was it God or country or parents? Did someone give it to them?
Did it just somehow happen on its own, or turn up because
of incompatibility? No! A couple creates distance together
when partners are afraid of getting hurt. Fear of getting
hurt is natural, but fear of getting hurt by being open and
close to your partner is learned—it's learned from your
relationship with your parents, from previous partners, and/or
from your history together as a couple. Because fear is more
primal than even desire, it takes precedence over the natural
drift of moving closer thus causing partners to create distance
together, without even realizing it.
